Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
