I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
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I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
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Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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