Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
