Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
