If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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