Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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