After last night, I could never be a politician.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
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the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
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You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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