dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
