Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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