onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
