So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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