I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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