Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
