looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I did not marry a roomba.
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