i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
