mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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