3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
