Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
