i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
