so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
