GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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