I think i peed on brittanys purse
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
