Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
