Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
