I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
