Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
