If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
