Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
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walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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