You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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