Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
