I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
