Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
