Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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