Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
