Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
