you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
