What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
