i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
