OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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