id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
