I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
