we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
