I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
