He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My dick has a subreddit
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
