Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
