That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
barbara walters just said penis...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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