Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
