I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The Olympian is in my bed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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