please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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