Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
