Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
