i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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