i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
