I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
