Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
