nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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