1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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