You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
