Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
